So today I realized that I'm not the best communicator. I try to be, but as I transmit my mental thoughts into words, somehow the meaning gets jumbled and something completely different comes out on the other end, often times without me even being aware of that fact. I have been focusing on trying to articulate my words to best achieve my communication goals, but it seems that sometimes there are more than words relayed. Hopefully I can work on this and figure out the best way to use my brain, mouth, and words collectively to state my case. In time, I suppose...

Thought I had a feeling for blogging, but I was wrong... maybe tomorrow.

No one ever really knows...

Sometimes I wonder how it all works out in the end, but then, in the end, none of us are even here anymore to see how it all worked out... I guess its not something to find concern in then, is it? Even so, I find it in my nature to ponder the future, the events to come, in tandem with those past... I find them a balance beam, upon which one end upholds the future and the other holds down the past; will the teeter totter of the beam's converging forces cause both to spin out of control? Maybe, I guess IN THE END, no one ever really knows.

But then again, I do often ponder things, anything really, without any course or direction specifically, and oft times for no real reason at all. I suppose its just the wandering mind housed within my dull skull, seeking out curiosities without any honest purpose, but rather for the sake of doing so. Sometimes, though, I wonder about things that matter, I yearn to know more about what is, and why its so. But I guess its all fairly pointless to concern oneself with... because in the end, when no one's here, no one will know anything at all.

Maybe my desire to know and my wandering curiosities relate to the measures of time I spend alone, seeking my own soul... Perhaps I'm trying to figure out something else entirely, something unknown even to me, yet perpetuated so deeply within my mind, body, and soul, that I will strive to attain such knowledge until the end of time, where, as mentioned before, no one really knows anyhow... Certainly, though... I'll definitely keep on trying.

Right now I know its late and I'm tired, yet unwilling to shut my eyes. I'm wishing you were here with me, telling me whats on your mind. I know there are things to discuss in there, topics of desire, but again, the time is always trying to bury such thoughts with conflicting schedules and minimal sharing... the yearn inside to know, the curiosities of my mind, of your mind, of their mind, of the Earth, the World, and the Universe... I suppose are foreign to me... things that not now, nor in the end, will I ever come to know.

As I watch you Walk Away

It's been a while since I remembered my blog page... that's okay because its mainly for my own personal escape anyhow.

As I watch you walk away, I wish I could come with you.
As I watch you walk away, I wish that you could stay.
As I watch you get into your car, I wish that we could stay together.
As I watch you drive down the road, I wish that you could turn around.
As I watch you walk or drive away, or as I do so myself,
My heart is wrenched a bit more each day at the time that we have missed.
As I watch you watch me drive away, I wish that you could come along.
As I watch you watch me walk away, I wish that I could stay.
We are constantly watching one another walk away, and its difficult to bear,
But what we must remember and cherish deep without our hearts,
Is that we aren't watching one another walk away forever, but just for the work day.
As I watch you walk away, as a tear rolls down my face,
As I think about the things we miss, the moments out of place,
There is one thing I can never forget... and that is the amount of love I have for you... something distance cannot take.

The time value of.... TIME.

It's late and I should be sleeping... I'd actually like to be sleeping, but I can't seem to fall asleep. It's because I miss him. I went on a trip for the holidays, which was long enough, but now that I'm on vacation for the next several days and he's still working, I think I miss him more. I have been looking forward to my vacation because it means more time for each other, but really, what I was waiting for was a vacation we could enjoy together. Looking ahead, however, he does have a four day weekend and plans to stay in on New Years, so hopefully we'll get to catch up on the regular things couples take for granted... like a conversation, a relaxed meal, a game of cards, or sharing a good book by reading to one another. Its difficult to see how much the little interactions of daily life sustain relationships, but I believe we've come to better know such value. And, since I can't sleep, I figure I might as well try and stay up until he's off work and home... but I know I'll never make it that late...

I wish we could both find new jobs. It'd be a fresh start on a good path... and hopefully, we would have more time to share with one another...


I love being in love. It's full of new lessons, raw emotions, and discovery.

“You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future” - Unknown...

Catching up... Moving forward... Loving Life.

I'm one of those bloggers.... the one that randomly posts and then forgets about my own blog for months at a time. Lucky for me, I only have three followers, so there aren't too many people to be let down.

My life is still on the rise and I'm still struggling with things as time passes, but its not a bad struggle, it's a growth struggle. I'm improving myself and becoming the woman I desire to be, the friend, companion, and lover I have always hoped to become. I'm learning the depths of my own soul and discovering the amazing person that lies within. I'm happy and forward focused, eager to enjoy today, but ready to face tomorrow, whatever the day might bring.

I'm in love and growing in love. Relationships are challenging, and I am thoroughly enjoying the challenges that come with this wonderful, pure, and honest love I share with another. He helps me see things with a brighter perspective and catches softly when I start to fall, before I can tumble over the edge and out of control. I want good things for myself in this life, but equally so, I desire my actions and inactions to promote positivity for him as well. I feel as though I am part of an equal equation, one that makes sense, yet remains exciting enough to hold onto a bit of mystery; its the mystery of another that keeps lovers growing together perpetually.

It's Friday and that's my favorite day of the week. Not because the work week is over and I'm absent from my desk for the weekend, and not because it means tons of exciting and fun activities, but because it means I am free to spend my time as I enjoy - with my love, with our family, and in a relaxed, non-rushed state of mind. Weekends always bring much hustle and bustle, but its the kind I welcome, the kind that means I'm alive.

Do you ever find yourself irritated for no reasonable cause? I don't even know if irritated is the right word... sometimes I get the notion to tell people off - people I won't waste my time tracking down to do so, but rather, in my own head, I find myself running through what I would say if I had the opportunity by chance. It's quite amazing the things I come up with when I'm talking to myself... things I probably wouldn't say even given the chance because I know that its just hot air and not really fair to intentionally inflict pain on another for personal gain. But I wondered... am I the only one that does this?

For instance, lets say I'm washing dishes, or drying my hair. Every once in a while, my mind will wander to a person or situation that I feel could have been closed much differently. And when that difference leaves me with a void because there was never any true reconciliation of events, my mind will take a little trip down memory lane. I'll start out reminiscing, followed by a recap of why the situation feels incomplete. I'll try and find the good in the experience and I'm often successful in doing so. But sometimes, not all the time... sometimes I find myself mentally telling people off.

It's like a game of, "what would you say?" that goes on in the depths of my thought processes. I'd never really take my words so far as to lash out with my tongue without purpose, but my brain seems to go into the moment and find its own method of release. And the funny thing, when I realize I'm on a solitary mental parade through time and bring myself back to reality... I feel better.

The brain is an amazing piece of technology.

Suit yourself.

She's absolutely crazy - unreachable and so not worth the effort it takes to incorporate her in my life. For years she was nothing but a ruthless drunk who thought of no one before herself... if she ever thought about anyone else. She did buy lots of nice things for people, and she offered her help whenever possible, but be careful little kitten - it's not without repercussion. Every single act of "kindness" every portrayed by that evil woman was delivered with mighty strings as a "subtle" attachment. She moved here years ago to "help" her family, but has done nothing but verbally bash and threaten them since she arrived. I've taken all the time I can trying to love her unconditionally, for who she is (that bitch of a person she really is inside) and now, I'm so over it, so completely and entirely done. It's no wonder our family is so detached from one another - she's been stirring the pot the entire time, waiting in the shadows for the chance to turn everyone against each other so we could all be as miserable as her. When something doesn't go as she expects it, she turns, like a solid steel door to a bank vault, impossible to halt, less those who attempt be smashed in the attempt. I refuse to sit around and talk poorly, or listen to others talk poorly, about the people I hold dearest to my heart. If she can't tolerate that kind of honest devotion, then she deserves to be a lonely and sad woman, who stares ahead into a fate nothing less than dying alone and unloved. I'm done.

To be Real.

I just finished my webinar for Management Strategy and Policy.
I absolutely love my professor. She is such an inspiration and encouraging teacher who leads the course with a sense of pure enjoyment. The coursework is demanding, but I've realized that having an instructor that exhibits realism and a bubbly encouragement is quite helpful.

I think that if more people lived life in forward motion happiness that we would all get along much better. We're all guilty of it, of letting our worlds get the better of us for a moment periodically. It's my goal to focus on being me, and letting others be themselves. This is going to require a definite use of alternatives, so as to avoid from placing myself in situations lacking harmony.

It's not going to be easy, but its going to be real... that's the whole point of life isn't it? To be Real.

"The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows" (Buddha).

My view in.

I've basically been an outcast my entire life. Not in the sense that I didn't fit in anywhere, or that I never found a similar human on the face of the Earth. No, not like that at all. I have had many friends, some lasting, some educational. I've enjoyed the company of many like-minded, kindhearted souls. However, I've never quite fit in with the family that raised me.

My family is divided with several intersections, relational boundaries that were rarely crossed. Except for me. I lived on those boundaries and slightly to either side, testing out the ways of each side and I have remained strong it trying to find some sort of balance on the inside, in the inbetween. With step parents on both sides, four sets of grandparents, and various sorts of relatives all over the place. I lived with my mother, step-father, and eventually half brother and sister. On the weekends I saw my dad, step-mother, and less eventually half brother and sister.

While I was young, this was both a simple and incredibly difficult task. There were always certain behaviors expected, and also accepted, on either side of the boundary that exemplifies me. I was the friend at school that wasn't around some weekends because I had to "go to my dad's house." Or rather, that was the only time afforded me such an opportunity. Life wasn't bad, but it wasn't smooth sailing most days. I always felt the need to defend either side to the opposing, to try and balance the love I have inside me between them equally, and in their own unique ways. It was the act of this that formed my conflicting personality.

From both sides combined, I learned about how to love, respect, and perceive other people. I learned right and wrong, although sometimes one side was less perceptive to the other, leaving me in the middle to figure out which portions of advice from each family unit made the most sense to me, either in entirety or in fractions. I learned a good hard work ethic - to get what you desire most out of life requires hard work and effort; this was powerful in all avenues of my upbringing.

I learned about family conflict, divorce, and compromising to live a livable, yet dull life in some instances. I learned that life was not always a walk in the park and that it certainly required a strong spirit to pull through from time to time. The understanding that good coping skills would result in a lifetime deserved, complete with struggles to teach the joys of success overwhelmed me. Overall, I learned a lot about life and I gained a good deal of useful advice and wisdom from those that surrounded and still surround my world today.

However, I never felt a part of everything all at once. It was like I fit with the "crowd" on all the right occasions; there were some instances where I felt it was better to simply blend into the foreground. This is something that I learned to do and accepted as a coping mechanism in life. I viewed it as just another one of the famous "ways" of life. Lately, I have realized that this action has caused many people to only know the portions of my being that solidify their perceptions of who they hoped I would always become. It works well, or it did anyways, until I realized that I desire their full acceptance of me as I am... rather than as the fragmented person they see in me.

I'm trying to figure out the smoothest way to approach standing my ground and upholding my ideas on life, without feeling as though many people around me are trying to tell me what I should think about such an aspect of life. It's impossible to agree with everyone all of the time and I think its fair that others take a moment and consider my perspective - what I really think about something or some situation. Although it may be that this appears to be happening, I feel that in life I have to guard who I am or a way that I live my life because someone might not agree with it and would attempt to impose guilt on me for not adopting their thoughts, for not striving to gain their approval through following their lead every time.

I'm beginning to wonder... Is it even possible?

"The ultimate authority must always rest with the individual's own reason and critical analysis. " (Dalai Lama)

A Peaceful Day

Today wasn't a great day, nor was it a bad day. The weather was mild, the wind blew, and the feeling of fall hung in the air. Work was quite unproductive, again, but not in the sense that nothing got done, its the feeling that I'll never get caught up to a point where I have moments to breathe. However, I elected to keep a pace today in my tasks that left me unstressed from the day's work. As I think about it, my problems are meek in comparison to those of the world. Not only that, but my life really is pretty peaceful and enjoyable these days. Work aside, my largest problem is figuring out what to cook for dinner and how to squeeze in all my school assignments in the evenings, which isn't at all impossible. I'm pretty lucky these days to have a decent job, a happy home, and enough resources to live somewhat comfortably.

Don't have much to say today, but I figured that was something...

And now I'm off to tackle mountains of homework... knowledge comes at a price.

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.” (Frederick Keonig, 1774-1833)

My bio from another site. Says a little about who I am and how I see the world.

Bio Time for change.

Does anyone even read this stuff?

I'm a quirky girl with a unique mind, don't bother wasting my time. I love wholly and I give whenever I am able, don't take freely if you love conditionally. I'm always ready for a challenge, and I rarely give up without a good effort; I'm not just going to go away, unless I know life will be better without you. My life is an adventure that I have yet to take - I have to get through the introduction first, so please stop rushing me to be perfect and refined. Friends are not forever, unless you're lucky to weed through the junkie ones to find the treasures - I've been fortunate enough to find a few. I'm tired of people who think they know me - you probably truly believe that you do. Unfortunately, you only know what I've chosen to show you. I will consider my life a success when I have accomplished the following:

Graduate College
Find True Companionship
Have At Least 1 Child
Visit Venice, Italy
Gain and Share Knowledge With Others
Experience True Impacting Loss
Love, No Matter How Much Effort It Takes

There's probably more... it's a growing list.
I'm well on my way to a few already.

I'm free. I might try to understand others' perspectives, but I refuse to change mine just as a pacification effort; I accept others as they are, faults and all - after all, no one's perfect - but I do not stand for people who feel the need to impose their beliefs on others. I'm an American - one who believes in freedom of speech, limited government, community, and an overall respect for others... it's not perfection, but I don't see why it's so difficult - it's really pretty simple. Be yourself. Let others do the same. Respect your own kind... we're all human.

I'm in love. He's a challenge and he's real. I feel alive when I'm near him, and I miss him when I'm not. I know that love is not easy, that its not something to take for granted. It requires full acceptance of one another, including the parts less desirable.. without them, none of us would be whole. It takes effort, compassion, and a very long time. I just know he's worth it. ♥

As for the rest of who I am... TBA. only time can tell.

Professionalism.

So I've been dealing with a lot of political pressure to conform at work lately and have even encountered an instance where speaking up about my concerns and frustrations led to me hearing that I "need to be more Professional." Regardless of the fact that my bringing up these issue was my way of acting professional and seeking collaboration from my seniors to resolve an inefficient control on both gossip in the workplace and important financial reporting concerns. For the first part of the week I was left to feel as though nothing I did for the organization was worth the effort... until 3:15 this afternoon.

For the past 13 months, I've been trying to uncover a reconciliation discrepancy that seemed to be hiding in the depths of electronic data compiled by the organization. To no avail, I continued to struggle through the frustration of feeling like I was missing pieces, or like those provided to me by others were of a lesser integrity. In strive to attain my goal of reconciling properly, I sought out the assistance of a CPA who participates in our firm's annual inside audits. She and I were able to work together and through the help of her excellent expertise, arrived at a solution for the problem - to alter the methods used at present time for reconciliations and realign them to actually balance each individual component of the fund accounting system.

Hooray! Tomorrow morning I get to show my effort was not in vain and that I do have some useful professional qualities, like collaboration, research, diligence, and a desire for fair and just reporting practices...

Yeah, I think I'll work on my "show you how professional I am" qualities instead.
If I could change one thing about the world today, it'd be the disrespect bestowed upon the little people in business. Without us, there would be no business.

"A general, raw view of professionalism is, 'a focused, accountable, confident, competent, motivation toward a particular goal, with respect for hierarchy and humanity, less the emotion'." (Compliments of Laurel of http://laureltarulli.wordpress.com/2010/01/27/what-is-professionalism/)

Reading??

Follow, so I know you're there.
And comment so I can get your input.

-L

Influenced by Change

This week at work there were some moments of discomfort, some discussions, and some time away. I spent my day off doing things that I needed to do - I saw my brother, spent time with my lover, napped on the couch, looked at my finance situation, and now I sit at the kitchen table typing this blog. Change is such a progression; it takes the shape of many stages and moments in time to fully complete the cycle. I am doing very well with my change. That does not go to say that its easy to go through, but I've been doing my very best to pull the beneficial messages from my experiences. I then build upon these personal discoveries and strive towards better understanding myself, those I interact with, and the world we live in.

What did I learn this week?
I appreciate the divide between personal and business and I will defend that position when I feel it is encroached upon. I know that if my stance does not yield some positive results that I will be prepared for the next portion of life's evolution. I'm not always the easiest person to get along with, to understand and comprehend, but that's likely because sometimes I am not sure I even understand myself, until I've had time to reflect and analyze. I'm at a point in my life where I'm ready to demand my worth and that's a difficult task to appeal to when one has spent so much time settling for what was easier. My love is complex, yet simple, and I have no complaints with it. I am the happiest "in love" person I know and I owe it all to my wonderful boyfriend. My work life, however, holds room for improvement.

Now to see what plays out... and how I can influence it.

“You don't have to be a "person of influence" to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me.” (Scott Adams, 1957- ).

So, its like this...

I've got a pretty decent employer. The pay could improve, but generally, the concept of the job is decent. The people I work with are genuine and for the most part they are willing to help, accept, and work with other employees within the organization, but sometimes gossip occurs, and even the adult version of cliques is prevalent in some situations. I'm not being negative, its just what I see. The work is interesting and I'm never bored due to lack of tasks to complete, so I like the fact that I'm busy.

My home life is relaxing, a bit stressful here and there, but overall quite enjoyable. I recently started my whole life over, in every aspect except for my immediate family (Parents/Siblings/etc). It wasn't an easy transition to adapt to, but it's definitely been worth the efforts; I love the life I'm living. To top it all off, I have an amazing boyfriend.

As I continue to go through the remaining steps of this transition, I like to write myself through things. I welcome any advice or comments that support or negate my position(s).

“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.” (Bob Moawad)

A down day.

I keep trying to convince myself that everything is all right, that I am okay. Lately, I'm starting to think I've been lying to myself in regards to certain aspects of that "being okay." I know I'm happy in love - that couldn't be any better. However, I really miss my old friends. I miss the goofy times we had together, the fun times we had together, even the times when our lives weren't so perfectly pleasant - these times were real... I miss that. It seems like when she told me, "karma's a bitch," that I didn't care, but now I'm beginning to wonder if my struggles are a direct result of some sort of karmic activity... I won't say I'd change how I handled things, but I wish I could have blocked some of the negativity thrown my way. I used to be the kind of person that would do anything for another, simply because they asked, and sometimes even when they hadn't. Now, I'm skeptical about doing for others because I'm concerned they'll drop me at any moment that my life doesn't meet their standards; I've stopped trusting people, and in direct relation to this is my new lack of enjoyment in some areas of life. I need to focus on the things I have to do right now - get my finances in order, move, and hopefully find a job where the organization actually values me as a person, rather than how it is now... When I get through those few tasks, I hope to be in a better frame of mind, one where I might find some new friends... or even just one.

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." (Walter Winchell)

Thanks for walking in and staying around even when my life was a mess... you know who you are and how much you are appreciated and loved.

Constants

When I picture my future, what I desire to attain most out of life in the next ten years, there are always certain things that remain unchanged. I want to be a successful business woman, who doesn't necessarily work in business, but rather, handles professional skills as a personal business; I want to do something with mathematical computations, and I want to work with people, and I see myself achieving this by marketing my skills to prospective employers to find the best career situation possible. That's going to be a difficult and enduring task, but its one aspect that never changes in my image of the future. I want to have a loving companionship with my best friend, someone who I can trust, communicate with, and be open and honest, and someone who I truly love. Sounds cliche, but I think the primary relationships we have affect the direction of our lives, and I want mine to stand on a sturdy foundation. There's family, and a warm, bright environment that fosters free thought with guided suggestions; I want to belong to a family of individuals, rather than like thinkers and doers. When I picture my future, I see it exactly as I would enjoy it, and I know it's possible. Its going to take diligence, compromise, and time... but when I get there - to the future - nothing else could be worth it more.

Small, short, but I think it's enough.

“When it comes to the future, there are three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened.” (John M. Richardson, Jr., 1938- ).

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_M._Richardson

A Rambling... Free Write.

It's an amazing day to be alive and well.
The Earth continues to spin on its axis and I continue to breathe easily and love strong.

I'm enjoying my first vacation in quite a while, and doing so thoroughly. Tomorrow I will depart on a journey to spend time with family and friends for a few days. I will have to leave my love behind this time and I just know I am going to miss his face so much, but a good trip it shall be nonetheless. I've been feeling pretty well lately; a few moments drew me away from that, but temporary distractions never cease to exist.

I'm looking forward to enjoying present moments and keeping focused on the future directly ahead. I cannot wait to embark out west next summer - it's going to be fresh, true to my desire, and exciting in many respects. For now, however, I am enjoying the months immediately subsequent to now, and am excited about the memories I will gain in this period.

I have a strong desire to build upon the moments in life past for a brighter, more peaceful tomorrow. Life is truly grand - it's been educational, emotional, enjoyable, exhilarating, and most of all, just the way I'd hope if I had to do it all over again. Although there are individual instances I might consider improving, the overall image of my existence is something worth fighting for, and that says something. I'm happy to be me, and I'm thankful for all the wonderful people in my life.

Now, I must pack...

"When real people fall down in life, they get right back up and keep on walking." (Michael Patrick King, Sex and the City, The Real Me, 2001)

Happy

Relaxing on a Monday afternoon at the end of a wonderful three day weekend. Life's pretty good these days. I think some people would rather see me down and not enjoying life as much as possible, but that doesn't matter now, does it? I say not. I can reflect over the past several months and see that while some days were less than great, more were enjoyable, memorable even. To trade a few days of unpleasant memories of friends past for many days of pure enjoyment in the world immediately surrounding me, I'll make the trade. It's been worth everything I've left behind, every one that couldn't stand beside me. There's not a chance that I could have ended up somewhere better given the circumstances of reality coupled with everyone's need to impose their opinions on me. Through all the moments where I questioned myself, or allowed myself to feel sorry, I've learned one thing - what my opinion on my life is...

Good news?
They never had the power to take that away from me.
In fact, I feel thankful they pushed and prodded the way they did; without them, I might never have been allowed to feel so happy.

“Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence” --Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC)

Waiting

Waiting is the hardest thing to do, regardless of the suspected outcome being positive or negative. Waiting for test results is difficult, especially since the outcome can go one of two ways - good or bad. Waiting to make a change in life is even more difficult, since making the change could ultimately result in immediate improvement of one's situation. I am waiting to make a life change - a relocation that will result in progression. It is difficult to wait for this. However, it is necessary. There are steps that I must take to get there, right?

What do you think?
Should one wait to make sure that all their ducks are in a row before jumping overboard, even if the end result will more than likely be awesome, regardless of whether waiting occurs? I think so, but then sometimes, I wonder if waiting is simply putting things off in a manner that might end up with the changes never occurring.

In this situation - moving to a new state, I believe that preparation and planning are necessary for success of the overall journey. There's just a part of me that is dying to be at the culmination point - the time when I can start progressing forward without lying in wait. Is a year really that long? A year's nearly past since my life flipped upside down and look at me now. I'm happy, excited about my future, and enjoying each day as if it were my last. Surely the year to follow can't be any less enjoyable than the last. I think the biggest part that's getting me is that I just know its the right move... literally. So, naturally, I want to have it now, as a result of living in a world centered upon instant gratification.

I seek the ability to build up to the point of gratification and predict that in doing so, the end result (gratification) will be much more rewarding.

“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.”
--Flora Whittemore