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Influenced by Change

This week at work there were some moments of discomfort, some discussions, and some time away. I spent my day off doing things that I needed to do - I saw my brother, spent time with my lover, napped on the couch, looked at my finance situation, and now I sit at the kitchen table typing this blog. Change is such a progression; it takes the shape of many stages and moments in time to fully complete the cycle. I am doing very well with my change. That does not go to say that its easy to go through, but I've been doing my very best to pull the beneficial messages from my experiences. I then build upon these personal discoveries and strive towards better understanding myself, those I interact with, and the world we live in.

What did I learn this week?
I appreciate the divide between personal and business and I will defend that position when I feel it is encroached upon. I know that if my stance does not yield some positive results that I will be prepared for the next portion of life's evolution. I'm not always the easiest person to get along with, to understand and comprehend, but that's likely because sometimes I am not sure I even understand myself, until I've had time to reflect and analyze. I'm at a point in my life where I'm ready to demand my worth and that's a difficult task to appeal to when one has spent so much time settling for what was easier. My love is complex, yet simple, and I have no complaints with it. I am the happiest "in love" person I know and I owe it all to my wonderful boyfriend. My work life, however, holds room for improvement.

Now to see what plays out... and how I can influence it.

“You don't have to be a "person of influence" to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me.” (Scott Adams, 1957- ).

So, its like this...

I've got a pretty decent employer. The pay could improve, but generally, the concept of the job is decent. The people I work with are genuine and for the most part they are willing to help, accept, and work with other employees within the organization, but sometimes gossip occurs, and even the adult version of cliques is prevalent in some situations. I'm not being negative, its just what I see. The work is interesting and I'm never bored due to lack of tasks to complete, so I like the fact that I'm busy.

My home life is relaxing, a bit stressful here and there, but overall quite enjoyable. I recently started my whole life over, in every aspect except for my immediate family (Parents/Siblings/etc). It wasn't an easy transition to adapt to, but it's definitely been worth the efforts; I love the life I'm living. To top it all off, I have an amazing boyfriend.

As I continue to go through the remaining steps of this transition, I like to write myself through things. I welcome any advice or comments that support or negate my position(s).

“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.” (Bob Moawad)

A down day.

I keep trying to convince myself that everything is all right, that I am okay. Lately, I'm starting to think I've been lying to myself in regards to certain aspects of that "being okay." I know I'm happy in love - that couldn't be any better. However, I really miss my old friends. I miss the goofy times we had together, the fun times we had together, even the times when our lives weren't so perfectly pleasant - these times were real... I miss that. It seems like when she told me, "karma's a bitch," that I didn't care, but now I'm beginning to wonder if my struggles are a direct result of some sort of karmic activity... I won't say I'd change how I handled things, but I wish I could have blocked some of the negativity thrown my way. I used to be the kind of person that would do anything for another, simply because they asked, and sometimes even when they hadn't. Now, I'm skeptical about doing for others because I'm concerned they'll drop me at any moment that my life doesn't meet their standards; I've stopped trusting people, and in direct relation to this is my new lack of enjoyment in some areas of life. I need to focus on the things I have to do right now - get my finances in order, move, and hopefully find a job where the organization actually values me as a person, rather than how it is now... When I get through those few tasks, I hope to be in a better frame of mind, one where I might find some new friends... or even just one.

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." (Walter Winchell)

Thanks for walking in and staying around even when my life was a mess... you know who you are and how much you are appreciated and loved.

Constants

When I picture my future, what I desire to attain most out of life in the next ten years, there are always certain things that remain unchanged. I want to be a successful business woman, who doesn't necessarily work in business, but rather, handles professional skills as a personal business; I want to do something with mathematical computations, and I want to work with people, and I see myself achieving this by marketing my skills to prospective employers to find the best career situation possible. That's going to be a difficult and enduring task, but its one aspect that never changes in my image of the future. I want to have a loving companionship with my best friend, someone who I can trust, communicate with, and be open and honest, and someone who I truly love. Sounds cliche, but I think the primary relationships we have affect the direction of our lives, and I want mine to stand on a sturdy foundation. There's family, and a warm, bright environment that fosters free thought with guided suggestions; I want to belong to a family of individuals, rather than like thinkers and doers. When I picture my future, I see it exactly as I would enjoy it, and I know it's possible. Its going to take diligence, compromise, and time... but when I get there - to the future - nothing else could be worth it more.

Small, short, but I think it's enough.

“When it comes to the future, there are three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened.” (John M. Richardson, Jr., 1938- ).

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_M._Richardson

A Rambling... Free Write.

It's an amazing day to be alive and well.
The Earth continues to spin on its axis and I continue to breathe easily and love strong.

I'm enjoying my first vacation in quite a while, and doing so thoroughly. Tomorrow I will depart on a journey to spend time with family and friends for a few days. I will have to leave my love behind this time and I just know I am going to miss his face so much, but a good trip it shall be nonetheless. I've been feeling pretty well lately; a few moments drew me away from that, but temporary distractions never cease to exist.

I'm looking forward to enjoying present moments and keeping focused on the future directly ahead. I cannot wait to embark out west next summer - it's going to be fresh, true to my desire, and exciting in many respects. For now, however, I am enjoying the months immediately subsequent to now, and am excited about the memories I will gain in this period.

I have a strong desire to build upon the moments in life past for a brighter, more peaceful tomorrow. Life is truly grand - it's been educational, emotional, enjoyable, exhilarating, and most of all, just the way I'd hope if I had to do it all over again. Although there are individual instances I might consider improving, the overall image of my existence is something worth fighting for, and that says something. I'm happy to be me, and I'm thankful for all the wonderful people in my life.

Now, I must pack...

"When real people fall down in life, they get right back up and keep on walking." (Michael Patrick King, Sex and the City, The Real Me, 2001)

Happy

Relaxing on a Monday afternoon at the end of a wonderful three day weekend. Life's pretty good these days. I think some people would rather see me down and not enjoying life as much as possible, but that doesn't matter now, does it? I say not. I can reflect over the past several months and see that while some days were less than great, more were enjoyable, memorable even. To trade a few days of unpleasant memories of friends past for many days of pure enjoyment in the world immediately surrounding me, I'll make the trade. It's been worth everything I've left behind, every one that couldn't stand beside me. There's not a chance that I could have ended up somewhere better given the circumstances of reality coupled with everyone's need to impose their opinions on me. Through all the moments where I questioned myself, or allowed myself to feel sorry, I've learned one thing - what my opinion on my life is...

Good news?
They never had the power to take that away from me.
In fact, I feel thankful they pushed and prodded the way they did; without them, I might never have been allowed to feel so happy.

“Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence” --Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC)