Do you ever find yourself irritated for no reasonable cause? I don't even know if irritated is the right word... sometimes I get the notion to tell people off - people I won't waste my time tracking down to do so, but rather, in my own head, I find myself running through what I would say if I had the opportunity by chance. It's quite amazing the things I come up with when I'm talking to myself... things I probably wouldn't say even given the chance because I know that its just hot air and not really fair to intentionally inflict pain on another for personal gain. But I wondered... am I the only one that does this?

For instance, lets say I'm washing dishes, or drying my hair. Every once in a while, my mind will wander to a person or situation that I feel could have been closed much differently. And when that difference leaves me with a void because there was never any true reconciliation of events, my mind will take a little trip down memory lane. I'll start out reminiscing, followed by a recap of why the situation feels incomplete. I'll try and find the good in the experience and I'm often successful in doing so. But sometimes, not all the time... sometimes I find myself mentally telling people off.

It's like a game of, "what would you say?" that goes on in the depths of my thought processes. I'd never really take my words so far as to lash out with my tongue without purpose, but my brain seems to go into the moment and find its own method of release. And the funny thing, when I realize I'm on a solitary mental parade through time and bring myself back to reality... I feel better.

The brain is an amazing piece of technology.

Suit yourself.

She's absolutely crazy - unreachable and so not worth the effort it takes to incorporate her in my life. For years she was nothing but a ruthless drunk who thought of no one before herself... if she ever thought about anyone else. She did buy lots of nice things for people, and she offered her help whenever possible, but be careful little kitten - it's not without repercussion. Every single act of "kindness" every portrayed by that evil woman was delivered with mighty strings as a "subtle" attachment. She moved here years ago to "help" her family, but has done nothing but verbally bash and threaten them since she arrived. I've taken all the time I can trying to love her unconditionally, for who she is (that bitch of a person she really is inside) and now, I'm so over it, so completely and entirely done. It's no wonder our family is so detached from one another - she's been stirring the pot the entire time, waiting in the shadows for the chance to turn everyone against each other so we could all be as miserable as her. When something doesn't go as she expects it, she turns, like a solid steel door to a bank vault, impossible to halt, less those who attempt be smashed in the attempt. I refuse to sit around and talk poorly, or listen to others talk poorly, about the people I hold dearest to my heart. If she can't tolerate that kind of honest devotion, then she deserves to be a lonely and sad woman, who stares ahead into a fate nothing less than dying alone and unloved. I'm done.

To be Real.

I just finished my webinar for Management Strategy and Policy.
I absolutely love my professor. She is such an inspiration and encouraging teacher who leads the course with a sense of pure enjoyment. The coursework is demanding, but I've realized that having an instructor that exhibits realism and a bubbly encouragement is quite helpful.

I think that if more people lived life in forward motion happiness that we would all get along much better. We're all guilty of it, of letting our worlds get the better of us for a moment periodically. It's my goal to focus on being me, and letting others be themselves. This is going to require a definite use of alternatives, so as to avoid from placing myself in situations lacking harmony.

It's not going to be easy, but its going to be real... that's the whole point of life isn't it? To be Real.

"The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows" (Buddha).

My view in.

I've basically been an outcast my entire life. Not in the sense that I didn't fit in anywhere, or that I never found a similar human on the face of the Earth. No, not like that at all. I have had many friends, some lasting, some educational. I've enjoyed the company of many like-minded, kindhearted souls. However, I've never quite fit in with the family that raised me.

My family is divided with several intersections, relational boundaries that were rarely crossed. Except for me. I lived on those boundaries and slightly to either side, testing out the ways of each side and I have remained strong it trying to find some sort of balance on the inside, in the inbetween. With step parents on both sides, four sets of grandparents, and various sorts of relatives all over the place. I lived with my mother, step-father, and eventually half brother and sister. On the weekends I saw my dad, step-mother, and less eventually half brother and sister.

While I was young, this was both a simple and incredibly difficult task. There were always certain behaviors expected, and also accepted, on either side of the boundary that exemplifies me. I was the friend at school that wasn't around some weekends because I had to "go to my dad's house." Or rather, that was the only time afforded me such an opportunity. Life wasn't bad, but it wasn't smooth sailing most days. I always felt the need to defend either side to the opposing, to try and balance the love I have inside me between them equally, and in their own unique ways. It was the act of this that formed my conflicting personality.

From both sides combined, I learned about how to love, respect, and perceive other people. I learned right and wrong, although sometimes one side was less perceptive to the other, leaving me in the middle to figure out which portions of advice from each family unit made the most sense to me, either in entirety or in fractions. I learned a good hard work ethic - to get what you desire most out of life requires hard work and effort; this was powerful in all avenues of my upbringing.

I learned about family conflict, divorce, and compromising to live a livable, yet dull life in some instances. I learned that life was not always a walk in the park and that it certainly required a strong spirit to pull through from time to time. The understanding that good coping skills would result in a lifetime deserved, complete with struggles to teach the joys of success overwhelmed me. Overall, I learned a lot about life and I gained a good deal of useful advice and wisdom from those that surrounded and still surround my world today.

However, I never felt a part of everything all at once. It was like I fit with the "crowd" on all the right occasions; there were some instances where I felt it was better to simply blend into the foreground. This is something that I learned to do and accepted as a coping mechanism in life. I viewed it as just another one of the famous "ways" of life. Lately, I have realized that this action has caused many people to only know the portions of my being that solidify their perceptions of who they hoped I would always become. It works well, or it did anyways, until I realized that I desire their full acceptance of me as I am... rather than as the fragmented person they see in me.

I'm trying to figure out the smoothest way to approach standing my ground and upholding my ideas on life, without feeling as though many people around me are trying to tell me what I should think about such an aspect of life. It's impossible to agree with everyone all of the time and I think its fair that others take a moment and consider my perspective - what I really think about something or some situation. Although it may be that this appears to be happening, I feel that in life I have to guard who I am or a way that I live my life because someone might not agree with it and would attempt to impose guilt on me for not adopting their thoughts, for not striving to gain their approval through following their lead every time.

I'm beginning to wonder... Is it even possible?

"The ultimate authority must always rest with the individual's own reason and critical analysis. " (Dalai Lama)

A Peaceful Day

Today wasn't a great day, nor was it a bad day. The weather was mild, the wind blew, and the feeling of fall hung in the air. Work was quite unproductive, again, but not in the sense that nothing got done, its the feeling that I'll never get caught up to a point where I have moments to breathe. However, I elected to keep a pace today in my tasks that left me unstressed from the day's work. As I think about it, my problems are meek in comparison to those of the world. Not only that, but my life really is pretty peaceful and enjoyable these days. Work aside, my largest problem is figuring out what to cook for dinner and how to squeeze in all my school assignments in the evenings, which isn't at all impossible. I'm pretty lucky these days to have a decent job, a happy home, and enough resources to live somewhat comfortably.

Don't have much to say today, but I figured that was something...

And now I'm off to tackle mountains of homework... knowledge comes at a price.

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.” (Frederick Keonig, 1774-1833)

My bio from another site. Says a little about who I am and how I see the world.

Bio Time for change.

Does anyone even read this stuff?

I'm a quirky girl with a unique mind, don't bother wasting my time. I love wholly and I give whenever I am able, don't take freely if you love conditionally. I'm always ready for a challenge, and I rarely give up without a good effort; I'm not just going to go away, unless I know life will be better without you. My life is an adventure that I have yet to take - I have to get through the introduction first, so please stop rushing me to be perfect and refined. Friends are not forever, unless you're lucky to weed through the junkie ones to find the treasures - I've been fortunate enough to find a few. I'm tired of people who think they know me - you probably truly believe that you do. Unfortunately, you only know what I've chosen to show you. I will consider my life a success when I have accomplished the following:

Graduate College
Find True Companionship
Have At Least 1 Child
Visit Venice, Italy
Gain and Share Knowledge With Others
Experience True Impacting Loss
Love, No Matter How Much Effort It Takes

There's probably more... it's a growing list.
I'm well on my way to a few already.

I'm free. I might try to understand others' perspectives, but I refuse to change mine just as a pacification effort; I accept others as they are, faults and all - after all, no one's perfect - but I do not stand for people who feel the need to impose their beliefs on others. I'm an American - one who believes in freedom of speech, limited government, community, and an overall respect for others... it's not perfection, but I don't see why it's so difficult - it's really pretty simple. Be yourself. Let others do the same. Respect your own kind... we're all human.

I'm in love. He's a challenge and he's real. I feel alive when I'm near him, and I miss him when I'm not. I know that love is not easy, that its not something to take for granted. It requires full acceptance of one another, including the parts less desirable.. without them, none of us would be whole. It takes effort, compassion, and a very long time. I just know he's worth it. ♥

As for the rest of who I am... TBA. only time can tell.

Professionalism.

So I've been dealing with a lot of political pressure to conform at work lately and have even encountered an instance where speaking up about my concerns and frustrations led to me hearing that I "need to be more Professional." Regardless of the fact that my bringing up these issue was my way of acting professional and seeking collaboration from my seniors to resolve an inefficient control on both gossip in the workplace and important financial reporting concerns. For the first part of the week I was left to feel as though nothing I did for the organization was worth the effort... until 3:15 this afternoon.

For the past 13 months, I've been trying to uncover a reconciliation discrepancy that seemed to be hiding in the depths of electronic data compiled by the organization. To no avail, I continued to struggle through the frustration of feeling like I was missing pieces, or like those provided to me by others were of a lesser integrity. In strive to attain my goal of reconciling properly, I sought out the assistance of a CPA who participates in our firm's annual inside audits. She and I were able to work together and through the help of her excellent expertise, arrived at a solution for the problem - to alter the methods used at present time for reconciliations and realign them to actually balance each individual component of the fund accounting system.

Hooray! Tomorrow morning I get to show my effort was not in vain and that I do have some useful professional qualities, like collaboration, research, diligence, and a desire for fair and just reporting practices...

Yeah, I think I'll work on my "show you how professional I am" qualities instead.
If I could change one thing about the world today, it'd be the disrespect bestowed upon the little people in business. Without us, there would be no business.

"A general, raw view of professionalism is, 'a focused, accountable, confident, competent, motivation toward a particular goal, with respect for hierarchy and humanity, less the emotion'." (Compliments of Laurel of http://laureltarulli.wordpress.com/2010/01/27/what-is-professionalism/)