The time value of.... TIME.

It's late and I should be sleeping... I'd actually like to be sleeping, but I can't seem to fall asleep. It's because I miss him. I went on a trip for the holidays, which was long enough, but now that I'm on vacation for the next several days and he's still working, I think I miss him more. I have been looking forward to my vacation because it means more time for each other, but really, what I was waiting for was a vacation we could enjoy together. Looking ahead, however, he does have a four day weekend and plans to stay in on New Years, so hopefully we'll get to catch up on the regular things couples take for granted... like a conversation, a relaxed meal, a game of cards, or sharing a good book by reading to one another. Its difficult to see how much the little interactions of daily life sustain relationships, but I believe we've come to better know such value. And, since I can't sleep, I figure I might as well try and stay up until he's off work and home... but I know I'll never make it that late...

I wish we could both find new jobs. It'd be a fresh start on a good path... and hopefully, we would have more time to share with one another...


I love being in love. It's full of new lessons, raw emotions, and discovery.

“You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future” - Unknown...

Catching up... Moving forward... Loving Life.

I'm one of those bloggers.... the one that randomly posts and then forgets about my own blog for months at a time. Lucky for me, I only have three followers, so there aren't too many people to be let down.

My life is still on the rise and I'm still struggling with things as time passes, but its not a bad struggle, it's a growth struggle. I'm improving myself and becoming the woman I desire to be, the friend, companion, and lover I have always hoped to become. I'm learning the depths of my own soul and discovering the amazing person that lies within. I'm happy and forward focused, eager to enjoy today, but ready to face tomorrow, whatever the day might bring.

I'm in love and growing in love. Relationships are challenging, and I am thoroughly enjoying the challenges that come with this wonderful, pure, and honest love I share with another. He helps me see things with a brighter perspective and catches softly when I start to fall, before I can tumble over the edge and out of control. I want good things for myself in this life, but equally so, I desire my actions and inactions to promote positivity for him as well. I feel as though I am part of an equal equation, one that makes sense, yet remains exciting enough to hold onto a bit of mystery; its the mystery of another that keeps lovers growing together perpetually.

It's Friday and that's my favorite day of the week. Not because the work week is over and I'm absent from my desk for the weekend, and not because it means tons of exciting and fun activities, but because it means I am free to spend my time as I enjoy - with my love, with our family, and in a relaxed, non-rushed state of mind. Weekends always bring much hustle and bustle, but its the kind I welcome, the kind that means I'm alive.

Do you ever find yourself irritated for no reasonable cause? I don't even know if irritated is the right word... sometimes I get the notion to tell people off - people I won't waste my time tracking down to do so, but rather, in my own head, I find myself running through what I would say if I had the opportunity by chance. It's quite amazing the things I come up with when I'm talking to myself... things I probably wouldn't say even given the chance because I know that its just hot air and not really fair to intentionally inflict pain on another for personal gain. But I wondered... am I the only one that does this?

For instance, lets say I'm washing dishes, or drying my hair. Every once in a while, my mind will wander to a person or situation that I feel could have been closed much differently. And when that difference leaves me with a void because there was never any true reconciliation of events, my mind will take a little trip down memory lane. I'll start out reminiscing, followed by a recap of why the situation feels incomplete. I'll try and find the good in the experience and I'm often successful in doing so. But sometimes, not all the time... sometimes I find myself mentally telling people off.

It's like a game of, "what would you say?" that goes on in the depths of my thought processes. I'd never really take my words so far as to lash out with my tongue without purpose, but my brain seems to go into the moment and find its own method of release. And the funny thing, when I realize I'm on a solitary mental parade through time and bring myself back to reality... I feel better.

The brain is an amazing piece of technology.

Suit yourself.

She's absolutely crazy - unreachable and so not worth the effort it takes to incorporate her in my life. For years she was nothing but a ruthless drunk who thought of no one before herself... if she ever thought about anyone else. She did buy lots of nice things for people, and she offered her help whenever possible, but be careful little kitten - it's not without repercussion. Every single act of "kindness" every portrayed by that evil woman was delivered with mighty strings as a "subtle" attachment. She moved here years ago to "help" her family, but has done nothing but verbally bash and threaten them since she arrived. I've taken all the time I can trying to love her unconditionally, for who she is (that bitch of a person she really is inside) and now, I'm so over it, so completely and entirely done. It's no wonder our family is so detached from one another - she's been stirring the pot the entire time, waiting in the shadows for the chance to turn everyone against each other so we could all be as miserable as her. When something doesn't go as she expects it, she turns, like a solid steel door to a bank vault, impossible to halt, less those who attempt be smashed in the attempt. I refuse to sit around and talk poorly, or listen to others talk poorly, about the people I hold dearest to my heart. If she can't tolerate that kind of honest devotion, then she deserves to be a lonely and sad woman, who stares ahead into a fate nothing less than dying alone and unloved. I'm done.

To be Real.

I just finished my webinar for Management Strategy and Policy.
I absolutely love my professor. She is such an inspiration and encouraging teacher who leads the course with a sense of pure enjoyment. The coursework is demanding, but I've realized that having an instructor that exhibits realism and a bubbly encouragement is quite helpful.

I think that if more people lived life in forward motion happiness that we would all get along much better. We're all guilty of it, of letting our worlds get the better of us for a moment periodically. It's my goal to focus on being me, and letting others be themselves. This is going to require a definite use of alternatives, so as to avoid from placing myself in situations lacking harmony.

It's not going to be easy, but its going to be real... that's the whole point of life isn't it? To be Real.

"The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows" (Buddha).

My view in.

I've basically been an outcast my entire life. Not in the sense that I didn't fit in anywhere, or that I never found a similar human on the face of the Earth. No, not like that at all. I have had many friends, some lasting, some educational. I've enjoyed the company of many like-minded, kindhearted souls. However, I've never quite fit in with the family that raised me.

My family is divided with several intersections, relational boundaries that were rarely crossed. Except for me. I lived on those boundaries and slightly to either side, testing out the ways of each side and I have remained strong it trying to find some sort of balance on the inside, in the inbetween. With step parents on both sides, four sets of grandparents, and various sorts of relatives all over the place. I lived with my mother, step-father, and eventually half brother and sister. On the weekends I saw my dad, step-mother, and less eventually half brother and sister.

While I was young, this was both a simple and incredibly difficult task. There were always certain behaviors expected, and also accepted, on either side of the boundary that exemplifies me. I was the friend at school that wasn't around some weekends because I had to "go to my dad's house." Or rather, that was the only time afforded me such an opportunity. Life wasn't bad, but it wasn't smooth sailing most days. I always felt the need to defend either side to the opposing, to try and balance the love I have inside me between them equally, and in their own unique ways. It was the act of this that formed my conflicting personality.

From both sides combined, I learned about how to love, respect, and perceive other people. I learned right and wrong, although sometimes one side was less perceptive to the other, leaving me in the middle to figure out which portions of advice from each family unit made the most sense to me, either in entirety or in fractions. I learned a good hard work ethic - to get what you desire most out of life requires hard work and effort; this was powerful in all avenues of my upbringing.

I learned about family conflict, divorce, and compromising to live a livable, yet dull life in some instances. I learned that life was not always a walk in the park and that it certainly required a strong spirit to pull through from time to time. The understanding that good coping skills would result in a lifetime deserved, complete with struggles to teach the joys of success overwhelmed me. Overall, I learned a lot about life and I gained a good deal of useful advice and wisdom from those that surrounded and still surround my world today.

However, I never felt a part of everything all at once. It was like I fit with the "crowd" on all the right occasions; there were some instances where I felt it was better to simply blend into the foreground. This is something that I learned to do and accepted as a coping mechanism in life. I viewed it as just another one of the famous "ways" of life. Lately, I have realized that this action has caused many people to only know the portions of my being that solidify their perceptions of who they hoped I would always become. It works well, or it did anyways, until I realized that I desire their full acceptance of me as I am... rather than as the fragmented person they see in me.

I'm trying to figure out the smoothest way to approach standing my ground and upholding my ideas on life, without feeling as though many people around me are trying to tell me what I should think about such an aspect of life. It's impossible to agree with everyone all of the time and I think its fair that others take a moment and consider my perspective - what I really think about something or some situation. Although it may be that this appears to be happening, I feel that in life I have to guard who I am or a way that I live my life because someone might not agree with it and would attempt to impose guilt on me for not adopting their thoughts, for not striving to gain their approval through following their lead every time.

I'm beginning to wonder... Is it even possible?

"The ultimate authority must always rest with the individual's own reason and critical analysis. " (Dalai Lama)

A Peaceful Day

Today wasn't a great day, nor was it a bad day. The weather was mild, the wind blew, and the feeling of fall hung in the air. Work was quite unproductive, again, but not in the sense that nothing got done, its the feeling that I'll never get caught up to a point where I have moments to breathe. However, I elected to keep a pace today in my tasks that left me unstressed from the day's work. As I think about it, my problems are meek in comparison to those of the world. Not only that, but my life really is pretty peaceful and enjoyable these days. Work aside, my largest problem is figuring out what to cook for dinner and how to squeeze in all my school assignments in the evenings, which isn't at all impossible. I'm pretty lucky these days to have a decent job, a happy home, and enough resources to live somewhat comfortably.

Don't have much to say today, but I figured that was something...

And now I'm off to tackle mountains of homework... knowledge comes at a price.

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.” (Frederick Keonig, 1774-1833)