So today I realized that I'm not the best communicator. I try to be, but as I transmit my mental thoughts into words, somehow the meaning gets jumbled and something completely different comes out on the other end, often times without me even being aware of that fact. I have been focusing on trying to articulate my words to best achieve my communication goals, but it seems that sometimes there are more than words relayed. Hopefully I can work on this and figure out the best way to use my brain, mouth, and words collectively to state my case. In time, I suppose...

Thought I had a feeling for blogging, but I was wrong... maybe tomorrow.

No one ever really knows...

Sometimes I wonder how it all works out in the end, but then, in the end, none of us are even here anymore to see how it all worked out... I guess its not something to find concern in then, is it? Even so, I find it in my nature to ponder the future, the events to come, in tandem with those past... I find them a balance beam, upon which one end upholds the future and the other holds down the past; will the teeter totter of the beam's converging forces cause both to spin out of control? Maybe, I guess IN THE END, no one ever really knows.

But then again, I do often ponder things, anything really, without any course or direction specifically, and oft times for no real reason at all. I suppose its just the wandering mind housed within my dull skull, seeking out curiosities without any honest purpose, but rather for the sake of doing so. Sometimes, though, I wonder about things that matter, I yearn to know more about what is, and why its so. But I guess its all fairly pointless to concern oneself with... because in the end, when no one's here, no one will know anything at all.

Maybe my desire to know and my wandering curiosities relate to the measures of time I spend alone, seeking my own soul... Perhaps I'm trying to figure out something else entirely, something unknown even to me, yet perpetuated so deeply within my mind, body, and soul, that I will strive to attain such knowledge until the end of time, where, as mentioned before, no one really knows anyhow... Certainly, though... I'll definitely keep on trying.

Right now I know its late and I'm tired, yet unwilling to shut my eyes. I'm wishing you were here with me, telling me whats on your mind. I know there are things to discuss in there, topics of desire, but again, the time is always trying to bury such thoughts with conflicting schedules and minimal sharing... the yearn inside to know, the curiosities of my mind, of your mind, of their mind, of the Earth, the World, and the Universe... I suppose are foreign to me... things that not now, nor in the end, will I ever come to know.

As I watch you Walk Away

It's been a while since I remembered my blog page... that's okay because its mainly for my own personal escape anyhow.

As I watch you walk away, I wish I could come with you.
As I watch you walk away, I wish that you could stay.
As I watch you get into your car, I wish that we could stay together.
As I watch you drive down the road, I wish that you could turn around.
As I watch you walk or drive away, or as I do so myself,
My heart is wrenched a bit more each day at the time that we have missed.
As I watch you watch me drive away, I wish that you could come along.
As I watch you watch me walk away, I wish that I could stay.
We are constantly watching one another walk away, and its difficult to bear,
But what we must remember and cherish deep without our hearts,
Is that we aren't watching one another walk away forever, but just for the work day.
As I watch you walk away, as a tear rolls down my face,
As I think about the things we miss, the moments out of place,
There is one thing I can never forget... and that is the amount of love I have for you... something distance cannot take.

The time value of.... TIME.

It's late and I should be sleeping... I'd actually like to be sleeping, but I can't seem to fall asleep. It's because I miss him. I went on a trip for the holidays, which was long enough, but now that I'm on vacation for the next several days and he's still working, I think I miss him more. I have been looking forward to my vacation because it means more time for each other, but really, what I was waiting for was a vacation we could enjoy together. Looking ahead, however, he does have a four day weekend and plans to stay in on New Years, so hopefully we'll get to catch up on the regular things couples take for granted... like a conversation, a relaxed meal, a game of cards, or sharing a good book by reading to one another. Its difficult to see how much the little interactions of daily life sustain relationships, but I believe we've come to better know such value. And, since I can't sleep, I figure I might as well try and stay up until he's off work and home... but I know I'll never make it that late...

I wish we could both find new jobs. It'd be a fresh start on a good path... and hopefully, we would have more time to share with one another...


I love being in love. It's full of new lessons, raw emotions, and discovery.

“You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future” - Unknown...

Catching up... Moving forward... Loving Life.

I'm one of those bloggers.... the one that randomly posts and then forgets about my own blog for months at a time. Lucky for me, I only have three followers, so there aren't too many people to be let down.

My life is still on the rise and I'm still struggling with things as time passes, but its not a bad struggle, it's a growth struggle. I'm improving myself and becoming the woman I desire to be, the friend, companion, and lover I have always hoped to become. I'm learning the depths of my own soul and discovering the amazing person that lies within. I'm happy and forward focused, eager to enjoy today, but ready to face tomorrow, whatever the day might bring.

I'm in love and growing in love. Relationships are challenging, and I am thoroughly enjoying the challenges that come with this wonderful, pure, and honest love I share with another. He helps me see things with a brighter perspective and catches softly when I start to fall, before I can tumble over the edge and out of control. I want good things for myself in this life, but equally so, I desire my actions and inactions to promote positivity for him as well. I feel as though I am part of an equal equation, one that makes sense, yet remains exciting enough to hold onto a bit of mystery; its the mystery of another that keeps lovers growing together perpetually.

It's Friday and that's my favorite day of the week. Not because the work week is over and I'm absent from my desk for the weekend, and not because it means tons of exciting and fun activities, but because it means I am free to spend my time as I enjoy - with my love, with our family, and in a relaxed, non-rushed state of mind. Weekends always bring much hustle and bustle, but its the kind I welcome, the kind that means I'm alive.

Do you ever find yourself irritated for no reasonable cause? I don't even know if irritated is the right word... sometimes I get the notion to tell people off - people I won't waste my time tracking down to do so, but rather, in my own head, I find myself running through what I would say if I had the opportunity by chance. It's quite amazing the things I come up with when I'm talking to myself... things I probably wouldn't say even given the chance because I know that its just hot air and not really fair to intentionally inflict pain on another for personal gain. But I wondered... am I the only one that does this?

For instance, lets say I'm washing dishes, or drying my hair. Every once in a while, my mind will wander to a person or situation that I feel could have been closed much differently. And when that difference leaves me with a void because there was never any true reconciliation of events, my mind will take a little trip down memory lane. I'll start out reminiscing, followed by a recap of why the situation feels incomplete. I'll try and find the good in the experience and I'm often successful in doing so. But sometimes, not all the time... sometimes I find myself mentally telling people off.

It's like a game of, "what would you say?" that goes on in the depths of my thought processes. I'd never really take my words so far as to lash out with my tongue without purpose, but my brain seems to go into the moment and find its own method of release. And the funny thing, when I realize I'm on a solitary mental parade through time and bring myself back to reality... I feel better.

The brain is an amazing piece of technology.

Suit yourself.

She's absolutely crazy - unreachable and so not worth the effort it takes to incorporate her in my life. For years she was nothing but a ruthless drunk who thought of no one before herself... if she ever thought about anyone else. She did buy lots of nice things for people, and she offered her help whenever possible, but be careful little kitten - it's not without repercussion. Every single act of "kindness" every portrayed by that evil woman was delivered with mighty strings as a "subtle" attachment. She moved here years ago to "help" her family, but has done nothing but verbally bash and threaten them since she arrived. I've taken all the time I can trying to love her unconditionally, for who she is (that bitch of a person she really is inside) and now, I'm so over it, so completely and entirely done. It's no wonder our family is so detached from one another - she's been stirring the pot the entire time, waiting in the shadows for the chance to turn everyone against each other so we could all be as miserable as her. When something doesn't go as she expects it, she turns, like a solid steel door to a bank vault, impossible to halt, less those who attempt be smashed in the attempt. I refuse to sit around and talk poorly, or listen to others talk poorly, about the people I hold dearest to my heart. If she can't tolerate that kind of honest devotion, then she deserves to be a lonely and sad woman, who stares ahead into a fate nothing less than dying alone and unloved. I'm done.